Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Pearly Whites - Soundtrack to the Dentist Chair

------Scrape, floss, scrape, brush, spit, swish, scrape - all words associated with one of the most obnoxiously necessary appointments for human hygiene - a dentist appointment. As I tasted blood seeping from my gums, I immediately regretted eating the popcorn and Milky Way now glued to the crevices of my chompers.

As I lay avoiding awkward eye contact with the woman who was wrist deep in my molars, I listened to the music playing from Lite 102.9 - the "Cool songs" station. Frankly, that slogan is a matter of opinion. But since I was told that my lifelong membership in the No Cavity Club was extended, I decided to make a list of the top seven songs you're bound to hear while swishing and spitting, regardless of the radio station. Buckle up under that Novacaine and drilling!

The Seven Pearly Whites of Dentistry

1. Five For Fighting - Superman
---------How about a little inner reflection while drooling down a clip-on napkin? Five for Fighting are notorious for dramatic, symphonic pop hits. "Superman" began it all for the band's radio syndication, and yet most of us only know the lyrics "I'm more than a bird."

2. Aerosmith - Don't Wanna Miss A Thing
---------If your dental hygenist is making your mouth water in more than one way, I can see why this eternal profession of love can make the dentist chair seem like a silk sheet bed. But c'mon - who wants to hear Steven Tyler tumble over voice cracks and lyrics like "I just wanna hold you close/I feel your heart so close to mine/And I will stay here in this moment for all the rest of time."? Indeed, your allowing a stranger's hands into a personal area, but save it for a sweetheart.

3. John Mayer - Waiting On the World to Change
-----------Open your eyes, man! You've got the power, just believe in yourself and your generation! Not something you'd be particularly keen to hear while gagging on the flouride that just won't dry on your teeth. You've been told to floss more and spend more time on your bottom teeth, now I have to change the world? Wait until I stop spitting flouride into my sink.

4. The Eagles - Take It to the Limit
------------My limit is that scratchy claw thing that jabs and prods and scrapes my teeth bone-dry. Please, PLEASE don't take my teeth to the limit. "Take It to the Limit" does have a soothing, easy-going feeling that may quell the nerves while on the chair, but not everyone may experience a smooth, calming sensation while a dentist is stabbing your gums with a needle to fill in that cavity.

5. The Manhattans - Shining Star
------------Another ballad to the betrothed in the most awkward setting. While this soulful sweet talking may seem tempting and provocative in a romantic setting, the flourescent lights and whirring of drills aren't so sexy. "Shining Star" - cute, endearing, but not for a dentist's office.
6. Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You
------------There is nothing wrong with a heartfelt, emotionally triumphant song about overcoming an abusive relationship. But maybe it's a little heavy, especially when you're trying to overcome the aches and pains of flossing.

7. Dido - Thank You
-----------It's very unlikely that the best day of your life is spent sitting in the dentist's office, especially if you have either:
a). A root canal
b). An anulled membership in the No Cavity Club
c). A tooth that needs a crown
d). Flouride stuck in your teeth for hours

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